I was always shy and awkward with everyone, even my few friends. Boys, I thought about, talked about and dreamed about but never had the nerve to talk to. I daydreamed about dating, how amazing it would be to have someone want to spend time with me, to like me, to think I was as funny and to love me. 

 

Then it happened, my friend wanted me to join her and her new boyfriend on a double date, I was elated. John was her boyfriends neighbor, new to the area and very...cute. I was so excited I felt sick, but as the night went on, I relaxed and started to talk. We talked for hours, he was genuinely interested in me, looked me in the eyes, asked me questions, laughed at my attempts at humor and shared his amazing sense of humor with me. Wow, I thought this is everything I imagined it would be. 

 

We went out a couple more times with our friends then he asked me to join him for dinner at his place, just the two of us. I was excited and scared, all at the same time. Something inside me twinged just a little when he was talking to me about the evening plans he had. Frankly, I brushed it off, after all this is what dating someone is all about, and I had no personal experience to compare this feeling to. 

 

He gave me a tour of his place, a glass of beer (Yes, I was underage and so was he.) I sat at the table and talked as he cooked, it was wonderful. He asked about my dating experiences, of which I had none and he shared about his. Again, that little twinge when he talked about those girls. It wasn't specifically what he said, it's how he was talking, his expression, his mannerisms, they were somehow off. Again, I wrote this off to my lack of experience and even leaned in for a kiss as he held my hand and offered me another beer.

 

As the evening went on, we wondered to the sofa to "snuggle" I was so excited and again scared. I knew how far I was willing to go, snuggling, holding hands, kissing and I told him. He laughed and agreed as he stared at me and pushed my hair away from my cheek behind my ear. Twinge again, it was how he was looking at me now. We talked and he stroked my hair, gently, sweetly, and started to sigh a little and make little comments about how pretty I was and how easy it was for him to be himself with me. 

 

I was a mixed bag of emotions, my body was telling me this felt right, my mind was telling me that something was not right. I sat there and wrestled, I just didn't know what to do. He was everything I had hoped and dreamed a boyfriend would be. He talked about commitment, how he thought this was vital to relationships, he "couldn't stand cheaters or teasers." I agreed.

 

Then he kissed my forehead and held my face in his hands, and kissed my lips. I was a ball of hormones and gave in to them, sharing his passionate kisses and touches...then things were going too far...too fast and I pulled away. He pulled me back and spoke gently, I gave in again and things went further so I pulled away again. I wanted to run but I liked this guy, this was crazy I thought, this is what is supposed to be happening...right? 

 

This went on for some time, and then his touching became too much, I knew what was going to happen and I said I needed to go. Twinge again, he started to beg me to stay and when that didn't work he started to chide me with comments like "I should have known you were a tease all along." I was shocked, what just happened, I was angry and told him I was leaving. 

 

I wish I could say that I did just that but I didn't. I let him talk me into staying, to "talk things through" because he was committed to this relationship, to me. I wish I could say that I didn't believe him and that I stood up and left but I didn't. I can say that I left his place no longer a virgin, no longer sure of my convictions and how relationships should be. He would not take "no" for an answer and I was unwilling to lose what I had waited so long to have, someone who chose to be with me, to care for me and love me. 

 

We continued to see each other a couple more times, each encounter he was more physically aggressive and if I spoke out in disagreement he chided me with belittling comments. Sadly, I continued to see him until dinner out with another friend. She noted by demeanor was off and as she prodded I opened up and told her what was going on. Her face grew red as she listened, "that's not how it's supposed to be, he's using you" she said. I was now angry at her, she basically told me I was weak. 

 

She told her boyfriend Dave what was going on and they came to my place to talk with me. Dave explained that how John was acting, what he was saying and how he was treating me was not love or commitment, it was manipulation and selfish. They shared their past dating experiences and how things were now in their relationship. I could hear the difference in what they were saying and I started to feel ashamed of being so gullible. Dave told me, "it's time for you to walk". 

 

I'm glad to tell you that I did, I walked out of John's life. I am still learning how to trust my twinges, how to know when someone is valuing me and how to find joy in my life now whether or not I have a boyfriend. I am learning how to WALK.                                                                                Rin